Before I left OTC, one of my pals kept asking if it had hit
me. That I was leaving OTC. I was leaving Springfield. I was leaving the life I
had created in the place I had lived for the past fourteen years. I remember
more of my life in Springfield than I do growing up in my hometown.
He kept asking.
“Has it hit you yet?” – On my last day of work at OTC.
“It still hasn’t hit you yet? You are standing in an empty
house.” – On my moving day.
My last day came and went, my first day began at UMKC and I
snapped him a picture of my new email signature. The signature looked amost
identical to my OTC email signature. Same name, different college.
And the caption
of the pic read, “Still hasn’t hit me.”
And it still hasn’t. I kept thinking I would write this
goodbye to Springfield. I thought I wouldn’t just close the chapter, I would
write the epilogue on the book that has been such a large portion of my life in
Springfield. And days just keep going by, and I don’t feel the sadness I
thought I would feel. I haven’t grieved the way I thought I would over leaving
that part of my life behind.
I think I had possibly prepared myself so much for the move
that if anything, I was able to breathe. I was able to sleep without the weight
of the whole life I created, the whole job I created, the whole stress I
created weighing over me.
And I know I did all of that to myself. In
Springfield, it’s easy to be a big fish in a small pond. I entrenched my life so much in that town my handle is 417Kim and now, that identity is gone. It’s just gone like it
never existed. And that was a bit hard to swallow. When I walked out of OTC the
last night and I realized, the ship will keep sailing and remembered all my
coworkers who had left who get replaced and forgotten. I too will be one who is forgotten soon. Everyone is replaceable echoed in my mind. That felt so
depressing, I think I just blocked it out. Tonight I read this line and it
resonated:
In order to leave something significant behind, you have to
leave.
And I did leave something significant behind. I created and
developed programs at OTC and in Springfield that helped so many and will
continue to help. I did good, meaningful things. I may never be remembered for that. That is more than okay
because I did leave something behind.
If anything, I feel like I am on a break.
I feel like I will get in my car and drive back to my house
at any point and it will be the same. I know my furniture is in a new place. I
know my old house is empty. I know I am driving to a new job. My coworkers are
different. I’m learning an entirely new job in a new work culture. As I learned
in Thailand, it’s same same, but different.
And maybe it is just that, a break. I am sure I will put the
same pressures on myself in the future. I will take on too much and work myself
into exhaustion, because that is just what I always end up doing. But for now,
for now I like to be anonymous. I like that no one expects much of me. No one
knows to ask me for help.
And I’m sure soon something will happen and it will hit me,
but for now, I’m enjoying the detour.
