A few months ago, one of my best friends sent me this beautiful article, A Confession To My Friend Without Kids. This article was so refreshing. Such a welcome realization that those who are childless are still people to the parent community.
This article outlined how much one expects to share moments with other mommy friends. How fun it is to be pregnant together. And while all that is awesome, there is a very honest line in that blog, from a mom, to her friend: I'm so happy you don't have children. Having mom friends I assume is great. Having someone know your struggles, your lack of sleep, your joy, your love, but there is also something so wonderful about a friend who remembers that mom as a woman. As a friend. A partner in crime. A confidant.
And to that, I have something to say back to you.
I am so happy I don't have children, but please quit asking why I don't have a kid.
I love your kids. I loved throwing you baby showers. I love holding your kids. I love that they love me so unconditionally and feel so comfortable with me. My friends' kids and my niece and nephew are absolute pure joy to me.
Being single and childless has its advantages. I can pick up out of nowhere to go see your kids. Need a minute to get out of the house? Guess who has childcare experience and can swing by for a few hours. Need a cocktail? Guess what? I do too.
And the best part of not having kids? I can do all of the things that I am passionate about.
Being childless means I can have a friend call me at midnight on a Tuesday telling me she is online to get us Royals playoff tickets for Sunday and I better be there. And telling her yes.
Being childless means when my college roommate tells me to save the date for her wedding in New Orleans, I can just reply, 'Done.' Because why would I miss that awesomeness?
Being childless means when I have a work conference in Chicago, I can spend a few days before just having fun.
Being childless means when a friend sends me a text that just says, 'Happy hour tomorrow?' I can respond with an emphatic 'YES.' No location needed. We know where we always go. And when said happy hour partner says, 'We're buying tickets to the Chiefs game in three weeks. You want one?' I can say an even more passionate 'YES.'
Being childless means whenever everyone else is busy playing Santa and planning for the perfect Christmas morning with their beautiful children to joyfully open presents, I can sit on Christmas morning and have a cup of coffee with my other childless friend. And when she decided to have a child of her own, I can decide to go and spend my Christmas on a beach.
Being childless means when you call, my friend, with child or without, for whatever reason, I can be there. I will say an enthusiastic YES.
But being childless also has it's disadvantages. Living in a small city and coming from an extremely small town, I constantly get the, 'Why are you still single?' question. Immediately followed up with, 'Don't you want kids?' Or the best, 'Don't worry, you will have kids some day.' I often just smile and nod. That answer makes the person asking the most comfortable.
I remember the day, the exact moment, in Bambino's parking lot when I told my mom I didn't want to have a baby. You have to be pretty confident in your decision to tell your mom, who wants so badly for her baby to carry a baby. I was 24. Her answer was to give me a hug, with sad eyes looking at her daughter who would never have a belly full of baby, and say, 'That's okay. You will have plenty of babies in your life, and if you change your mind, there will be plenty of babies to adopt.' Over the past seven years, she had a few struggles with that realization, grieving a baby that never was, but she has accepted her first daughter not providing her with a grandchild.
While I am choosing not to have children, when you think to ask these
questions, please remember, there are many who are childless without
choice. Your questions on why they don't have children are hurtful and
saddening.
Once my brother said, 'You don't need kids.' At first I took offense, and was like, 'Dude, I could be an awesome mom.' He responded, 'No. You don't NEED kids to be happy.' And it's true. While I could have a child, being a mom was never something I saw when I looked into my crystal ball.
I babysat, nannied, and worked at a
daycare. That's how much I love kids. Small humans are my favorite
humans. But being a parent is a hard job. It is too hard for me. I'm not
one to shy away from a challenge, but as my brother said, I don't need
that struggle, that 'it's all worth it' mentality to make me happy. This
decision is very personal. This decision came with years of
consideration. This decision is made with as much absolute resolute as
many of you feel when you decide you want to have a child.
As much as you can't imagine your life without your kids, I cannot, nor do I want to imagine my life with kids. I love my childless life. As much as you feel I am missing out by not having kids, I feel as if I am gaining by not having kids.
What I don't love is all the sad looks. The replies of you'll change your mind or one day, you'll realize on what you are missing. Or my personal favorite, 'You are just being selfish.'
Yes. Yes I am, and what is so wrong with that? I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses. I know what makes me happy and what I want in life. Most importantly, I know how hard it can be to be a parent.
So please don't be sad that I don't have kids. Every happiness you gain from having a child, I have an equal happiness by not having a child. Don't purse your lips, furrow your brow, and pat my shoulder as if I just lost the one thing that would make me happy.
Instead, be happy you get a free babysitter. A friend that will remember to buy your kids books on their birthdays (because that is all Aunt Kim buys for kids). A friend that will bring you a bottle of wine after an exceptionally hard week. A friend who is available that one moment you get a babysitter on a whim. A friend who will support all of your decisions to have children and love those little nuggets so hard. All I ask in return, is that you support my decision to not and be happy that I don't have children.
