A Confession To My Friends With Kids

A few months ago, one of my best friends sent me this beautiful article, A Confession To My Friend Without Kids. This article was so refreshing. Such a welcome realization that those who are childless are still people to the parent community.

This article outlined how much one expects to share moments with other mommy friends. How fun it is to be pregnant together. And while all that is awesome, there is a very honest line in that blog, from a mom, to her friend: I'm so happy you don't have children. Having mom friends I assume is great. Having someone know your struggles, your lack of sleep, your joy, your love, but there is also something so wonderful about a friend who remembers that mom as a woman. As a friend. A partner in crime. A confidant.

And to that, I have something to say back to you.

I am so happy I don't have children, but please quit asking why I don't have a kid.

I love your kids. I loved throwing you baby showers. I love holding your kids. I love that they love me so unconditionally and feel so comfortable with me. My friends' kids and my niece and nephew are absolute pure joy to me.

Being single and childless has its advantages. I can pick up out of nowhere to go see your kids. Need a minute to get out of the house? Guess who has childcare experience and can swing by for a few hours. Need a cocktail? Guess what? I do too.

And the best part of not having kids? I can do all of the things that I am passionate about.

Being childless means I can have a friend call me at midnight on a Tuesday telling me she is online to get us Royals playoff tickets for Sunday and I better be there. And telling her yes.

Being childless means when my college roommate tells me to save the date for her wedding in New Orleans, I can just reply, 'Done.' Because why would I miss that awesomeness?

Being childless means when I have a work conference in Chicago, I can spend a few days before just having fun.

Being childless means when a friend sends me a text that just says, 'Happy hour tomorrow?' I can respond with an emphatic 'YES.' No location needed. We know where we always go. And when said happy hour partner says, 'We're buying tickets to the Chiefs game in three weeks. You want one?' I can say an even more passionate 'YES.'

Being childless means whenever everyone else is busy playing Santa and planning for the perfect Christmas morning with their beautiful children to joyfully open presents, I can sit on Christmas morning and have a cup of coffee with my other childless friend. And when she decided to have a child of her own, I can decide to go and spend my Christmas on a beach.

Being childless means when you call, my friend, with child or without, for whatever reason, I can be there. I will say an enthusiastic YES.

But being childless also has it's disadvantages. Living in a small city and coming from an extremely small town, I constantly get the, 'Why are you still single?' question. Immediately followed up with, 'Don't you want kids?' Or the best, 'Don't worry, you will have kids some day.' I often just smile and nod. That answer makes the person asking the most comfortable.  

I remember the day, the exact moment, in Bambino's parking lot when I told my mom I didn't want to have a baby. You have to be pretty confident in your decision to tell your mom, who wants so badly for her baby to carry a baby. I was 24. Her answer was to give me a hug, with sad eyes looking at her daughter who would never have a belly full of baby, and say, 'That's okay. You will have plenty of babies in your life, and if you change your mind, there will be plenty of babies to adopt.' Over the past seven years, she had a few struggles with that realization, grieving a baby that never was, but she has accepted her first daughter not providing her with a grandchild. 

While I am choosing not to have children, when you think to ask these questions, please remember, there are many who are childless without choice. Your questions on why they don't have children are hurtful and saddening.

Once my brother said, 'You don't need kids.' At first I took offense, and was like, 'Dude, I could be an awesome mom.' He responded, 'No. You don't NEED kids to be happy.' And it's true. While I could have a child, being a mom was never something I saw when I looked into my crystal ball.

I babysat, nannied, and worked at a daycare. That's how much I love kids. Small humans are my favorite humans. But being a parent is a hard job. It is too hard for me. I'm not one to shy away from a challenge, but as my brother said, I don't need that struggle, that 'it's all worth it' mentality to make me happy. This decision is very personal. This decision came with years of consideration. This decision is made with as much absolute resolute as many of you feel when you decide you want to have a child.

As much as you can't imagine your life without your kids, I cannot, nor do I want to imagine my life with kids. I love my childless life. As much as you feel I am missing out by not having kids, I feel as if I am gaining by not having kids.

What I don't love is all the sad looks. The replies of you'll change your mind or one day, you'll realize on what you are missing. Or my personal favorite, 'You are just being selfish.'

Yes. Yes I am, and what is so wrong with that? I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses. I know what makes me happy and what I want in life. Most importantly, I know how hard it can be to be a parent.

So please don't be sad that I don't have kids. Every happiness you gain from having a child, I have an equal happiness by not having a child. Don't purse your lips, furrow your brow, and pat my shoulder as if I just lost the one thing that would make me happy.

Instead, be happy you get a free babysitter. A friend that will remember to buy your kids books on their birthdays (because that is all Aunt Kim buys for kids). A friend that will bring you a bottle of wine after an exceptionally hard week. A friend who is available that one moment you get a babysitter on a whim. A friend who will support all of your decisions to have children and love those little nuggets so hard. All I ask in return, is that you support my decision to not and be happy that I don't have children.

End Of Semester Housekeeping

I firmly believe when you are in the business of education, you have to let the students know the why behind the class or the diploma. Why do they care? Why are they here? Every end of semester I send my students a note of congratulation and affirmation. This is my note this semester:

Class,

As finals approach, I have one final, long set of words to give you. Stick with me. My little note to you.

As an instructor and student of communication, I clearly believe in the discipline. I believe it is a skill that not only has advanced my career, but will help you in yours. Look at any job description out there, 90% have a requirement of good communication skills. Hopefully that term is less abstract after this course.

As much as I believe in communication as being a necessity, I am also a higher ed professional and I understand the groan and mindset that it is just another three credit hour course you have to muster through and pay for to get the piece of paper.

You need to understand what the piece of paper signifies to your potential and current employers.

The piece of paper means you have drive. It means you have determination. It means when life happens and is stressful and you have a thousand balls in the air, you can still complete and conquer. It means if you are tasked with a job or are in a situation you don't like, you will still finish it and finish it well.

The piece of paper means you can work well under leadership and with a team. Sometimes you believe a teacher is making you jump through hoops or not giving you an easy solution. It is not an instructor being lazy or difficult, it is teaching you to face adversity and problem solve.

That is what employers are looking for when they look at that piece of paper. I have always believed education as a test for employment.

Whether it is pure intelligence, crazy hard study habits, or sheer will, these classes signify your ability to be successful. That piece of paper proves you have longevity. You have stick-to-itiveness. No matter how long or short the path, you made it to the clearing.

Do not think of classes as what do I have to take, but as an opportunity that you get to take, because so many others in this region and this world do not.

I once had a HS teacher friend tell me (long before I was teaching) that if a student finds a way to successfully cheat his or her way through class, that is a life skill because they will likely be able to find short cuts in real life to succeed. While those students may become successful, they will do so in a completely unethical way. Don't be that person. No one likes to work with that person

I recently came across this blog and it puts everything I feel as an educator into far more eloquent words than I am able to write. I know you have a ton to read right now, but give it a gander (it is a quick read). It might change your frame of reference in regards to education.

http://affectiveliving.wordpress.com/2014/03/08/what-students-really-need-to-hear/

I am so happy to have been your instructor and been a small part in your education journey. I am so proud of what you have accomplished.

I understand the perception students have of me as a young-ish college instructor. That education probably came easy to me. I was a traditional college student at 18, graduated, got a job, worked on my masters, etc. While those are all the facts, the bigger picture is I grew up in a very small, rural town with what I then perceived as minimal opportunities to be successful outside of farming, blue coller jobs, or going for technical training at vo-tech. I am not only a first generation college student, I rarely knew anyone who completed college. However, I was raised to know that I had the the opportunity to go to college. This is why I choose and love to work at a community college. I do not think my path to education was any harder nor easier than yours. Growing up where I did taught me to be successful, to be agile, to have a strong work ethic, to be determined and diligent about what I wanted to achieve for my future.

I say all this to let you understand that I do know and remember how difficult college is to navigate without having someone who knows the path help point you in the right direction.

If you ever need any help at OTC, always feel free to contact me. I can help with advising, transfer, resume, etc. Even if I don't have an answer, I know someone who does.

Best of luck!

--kg

 

Posted with Blogsy

Blog Update: #18 Internet In Place

Obviously, I have been supremely terrible at this whole blogging thing. Really, terrible. The #1 reason is my # bucketlist item of getting internet at my house. I finally bit the bullet on this one and lept into the 21st century. I am currently writing and posting this blog from my house and not a coffee shop.

I had so many reservations about getting internet. I like to say I keep my house a low technology zone. Yes, I have data on my phone, but I don't have the opportunity to waste hours on Netflix (like I am currently doing watching Orange is the New Black). I should be grading papers, doing laundry, cleaning... anything but wasting time.

Like most big decisions in my life, I ponder them for years and then make a decision quickly and just do it. The whole internet thing did not go as swiftly as I had hoped. After consulting my AT&T worker friend Caleb, I went with UVerse. He told me the even grandma's can do self install, so I opted with it. A few quick days later, I recieved my router in the mail with a set up date of Sunday evening.

Prior to my set up time, I read my instructions and realized I needed to set up my router to a phone outlet. I have lived in my house for almost five years and was pretty sure I saw a phone jack in my house at one point or another. After searching my house up and down for over an hour, I realized, I do not have a freaking phone jack! My house was built in the 1940s. How does it not have a phone jack? It has plaster walls... it could not have been drywalled over. Where is this freaking phone jack?

So I looked through the instructions for a phone number to call, and they directed me to a website for help. Ummm... I'm trying to install internet. I do not have it currently. Thank goodness for smart phones, right?

I searched online for a number, after 10 minutes of prompts, I finally ended up on the line with a very nice lady frorm the Philippines who told me someone would be out the next day between 4 and 8p to install a phone jack. She profusely thanked me for being so nice to her and even offered to make me a nice meal if I ever visited, which she told me often that I should visit. I don't think she gets many nice customers on the phone.

However, there apparently was a miscommunication because the man came out at 8:45a when I was out of town. He rescheduled for that night. At 11:30a I recieved a text to call back to reschedule. So I called to verify my 2nd appointment, which was not rescheduled as he said. The next available appointment was between 11a and 1p the next day, Tuesday. So I scheduled for that appointment.

Fast forward to Tuesday at 10a I get a call asking if I'm ready for my install. I have no idea when the next time will come, so I get permission to leave work for an hour to install this phone jack.

Surprise! My house is so low technology I don't even the correct wires for a phone jack!! They have install telephone lines from poles to my house. So... four hours later, I have internet! Yay!

Even though I have not had internet and have slacked on blogging, I have been keeping up with the bucketlist. Lots of posts are to come, so be prepared. Until next time...

Posted with Blogsy

Surprise! 40 Under 40

First off, I have to say: Springfield has been so good to me. 

Something really unexpected happened this week. I got an email letting me know I had been selected to the Springfield Business Journal's 2014 40 Under 40, an award that 'recognizes the area's brightest and most accomplished up-and-coming young businesspeople.'

Um... what? I was totally shocked. And honestly felt a little silly telling my family and friends about it. This past year I was chosen as 417 Magazine's 20 Under 30. When I told my brother about 40 Under 40, I promised him that there are more young professionals besides just me living in Springfield, and no, I wasn't nominating myself. I have no idea who nominated me for either (so if it was you, fess up).

It is definitely humbling to receive either of these recognitions. Receiving both in one year is just too much. So it was hard to even tell anyone. In my mind I already was hearing all the jokes, 'What's next? 70 under 70?' I could see the eye rolls from people who don't care, or don't think I'm deserving, or just think that any of the awards are a big fat joke. I didn't want to or know how to tell anyone about 40 Under 40. 

But then I saw who else is being given this award. So many of my friends, peers, and mentors. I started getting super excited to be able to celebrate with them, especially because I missed the 20 Under 30 celebration last year. 

And then it hit me. Dude. Kim. You work hard. You love your community. You have given it a lot over the past decade. You have had a pretty incredible year. And you didn't fall on the ice even once these past few weeks. As stressed and anxious as I can get over work or projects, when I look at all that I have accomplished this past year, it has been extraordinary. 2013 is one year I will never forget. That thought alone puts my stress in perspective. 

We are all our own worst critics. I so often feel as if I'm not doing enough, or not doing this whole life thing as awesome as I should. This recognition is a huge pat on the back saying, 'Hey. You're okay.' 

So, I decided to be proud to be named to another 'insert age' Under 'insert other age' list. :)  I think lists are driving my life this year, and I love lists. 

And hey, if I'm going to enter a new decade, I might as well get a pretty award for it. :)

A huge thank you to whoever nominated me and to the judges who selected me. And an enormous congratulations to everyone else who made the list! I look up to so many of you and am so honored to be in the same class as you.

The issue will be out the week of March 3rd. I'll post the article when it is published. http://sbj.net/main.asp?SectionID=48&SubSectionID=108&ArticleID=96389 

Now what to wear?