Thailand: Introspection I

A person very close to me once told me that I had the inability to relax. The person said I walked too fast, couldn't sit still, and always looked for the next, and the next, and the next. I of course took absolute offense to this statement. I love the lake. I love the sun. I love a beach. I completely love to lie in a reclining chair and do nothing. I can probably out-sleep anyone in the world on my days off. I know how to relax.

Then I went to Thailand.

Railay West Beach, Krabi, Thailand

I knew when I planned this trip that I wanted adventure. I wanted to meet people. I wanted to find new place. I wanted to explore.

However, what I didn't know about myself or acknowledge about my previous travels, was that I had an inability to sit still.

I took a 24 hour flight. I needed to see what was 24 hours away. See everything I could possibly see in Thailand, the land of beaches and cheap massages and easy living. I needed to see and experience everything I could possibly in two weeks.

And it was amazing. It was beautiful. In fact, the only regrets I have are the few places I really wanted to see, but didn't have time to explore, even when they were just a few miles away.

However, the reason I didn't get to explore certain areas was because I simply chose to sit. To sit and read. To sit and people watch. To sit and finally just breathe for awhile. To be quite alone for me, is the best feeling in the world.

I told my traveling companions about a million times what to expect of me on this trip. I would wander off. I would ask for time alone. I needed time to be alone. And this is no different than my time at home. I have to have time alone. And in the past two years, traveling alone has become one of my favorite things. 

Being alone affords the opportunity to meet new people, my favorite part of traveling. A random person is much more likely to approach a person alone than a group. I'm sure this sounds scary to some, but it is seriously my most favorite thing in the world. More than a beach, more than the sun, more than anything. Learning about people is the greatest exploration.

Being alone lets one sit. Just sit. Do nothing. Not have to make conversation. Not try to entertain. Not worry if one is not talking enough or talking too much. Just sit. Be silent. As much as I talk, I think I would surprise people with the amount of silence I need to be a functioning person.

Koh Tao

And finally, being alone allows me to take risk without the worry I am being a burden to others. I love to go off the beaten path. I want to go down weird trails and see what is there. I want to see every single landmark, and rock, and beach, and museum, and shop, and market. I want to experience every morsel of food I can stomach, sip every drink I can swallow, and smell every scent possible. I want to take in all the lights and the chaos and the life of where I am visiting. I want to ask other travelers where they have been and where I should go or not go because it is too commercial. I want to hop along with them when they invite me. I want to just wander.

Koh Tao, Sairee Beach

I get this makes people anxious or nervous or scared. I never do anything dangerous. I don't walk down a dark and ominous street in Springfield or Kansas City, I'm sure as hell not going to do it in another country.

Right before I left my mom said something to me I again didn't quite agree with at the time. I think she captured something within me I didn't even identify with myself. Sometimes people give you a title you aren't quite sure of yourself, and then you get it. She said, 'You're pretty fearless.'

My response was, 'Really mom!? I'm full of anxiety!' But she was right. I have anxiety over things in my control. My job. Starting tasks. Finishing tasks. House work. Money. The everlong to-do list. To quote one of my favorite lines from a movie, I stress over, "Bullsh*t! Bullsh*t! Bullsh*t!'

However, she was right I have little fear. I believe what will be, will be. I believe in the good of people. And I have no fear of walking into a bar and meeting some incredible Aussies over a game of Thai Jenga. Or running through the rain and asking for directions from a couple of gents only to see the same Swede and American later and agree to a game of Plume. Or just sit reading in an atrium and say yes when an Austrian stopped to ask if I wanted to share some delicious mango dessert and just talk for hours. That is the high.

People are the absolute best part of travel. These memories are my favorite parts.

If I wanted to simply lie on a beach, read a book, sleep for hours, and get a tan, I would take a short flight to Mexico for a week. And I need those vacations too, but there is a huge part of me that wants to see the landscape of the other side of the world and listen to those around me speak other languages and to go and go and go. That is the best.

So the answer to that giant question everyone keeps asking, 'What was the best part?'

(Besides the people) I learned that I can not relax in the conventional sense. I learned that most of the time I don't want to relax. I learned that not relaxing is not the same as being stressed. It is quite opposite. I learned that being comfortable makes me seriously uncomfortable. I learned that as long as I have somewhere to lie my head with a roof and a pillow at night, I'm pretty secure. I learned that exploring and being thrown out of my comfort zone is amazing and makes me feel most calm.

And I think most of all, I reconfirmed that my favorite part of life is the not knowing, the climb, the trying to figure it all out. I think the not relaxing is my favorite part.

Thanks to these two for putting up with my inability to relax. Koh Tao, Freedom Beach