A Note On Dying

So what do you do when your friend is dying?

What feels like a lifetime ago I wrote a little note on what I felt when my friend, my person, my sis, had cancer. So once the hope is gone, what do you do, with your friend who is dying?

I would never admit this at the time, but my first thought, and my always thought since then has been, “I don’t want to live in a world without Katie in it.”

Katie had her first real diagnosis on my 32^nd birthday. Katie was admitted to the hospital, a little over three years later, on her 32^nd birthday. 

Katie died ten days later on a Friday.

When I lived in Springfield, and before cancer, we had a scheduled Friday lunch date. 1pm. A date that has never left my calendar. I calculated it has probably been 176 weeks since our last Friday lunch, but I still have the reminder for every Friday on my phone. When Katie got cancer, we moved our Fridays to Wednesdays for chemo treatments, and then, I moved away. The reminder on my phone stayed. Some Fridays it was a reminder to call or text her. Some Fridays it was just to remember us. It is always there.

After a few years away, thousands of texts, a handful of phone calls, and only a couple of face-to-face visits, I got the call, it was near the end, and Katie wanted to see me.

Her husband had let the world know it was not good. The pictures showed what I felt in my heart Katie would not tell me because she believed with her whole being, she would be healed. I wish with all my life that was true. So much that I would never acknowledge a thought that was not in line with Katie’s truth. I would serve her purpose and her belief. It had kept her alive more years than her doctors believed, there was no way I was not believing in her.

In recent months, the responses to texts were less, the voicemails were not responded to. I remember leaving her a message that I was going to be an aunt again. She knows how much I adore my niece and nephew. I knew she was SO excited. But I never received a response. I felt it then, but my belief in Katie never waivered. Whatever boat she is riding, I’m on.

Then the day happened. Katie was dying. It was the end. And with every being in my heart I needed and wanted so badly to be with her. I am so lucky that her mom (Momma C) sent me the text that Katie wanted to see me. I drove to Springfield the next morning.

I knew Katie wouldn’t look like how I had remembered her. I knew her organs were failing. I knew she was on a lot of medication that made her in and out of lucidness. I knew all I wanted was to be near her.

I remember thinking, “I don’t want to go to Springfield.”, but it wasn’t because I was scared or didn’t want to see her, it was because I didn’t want to ever live in a world where this was happening.

And so I went unsure of what to expect.

Now is the part of the story that I find silly. The same way I felt silly thinking Chemo Katie was something different than regular Katie and now realizing Dying Katie was no different than Living Katie.

If you missed it, our whole relationship is built on laughter. We love each other and we love to make each other laugh. And, dang, did she make me laugh. I went to Springfield that day not knowing how long I would be staying or how it would be, but I had outbursts of laughing all day. Ask me and I will tell you the stories. We have so many stories. Even on our last day together, we made each other laugh.

People have asked “Was it hard to see her like that?”, and while I didn’t want to see her “like that” because I didn’t want “that” to ever be happening, I answer with a resounding “eff no.”  I saw nothing but my Kady. My person. My friend. And if I was afforded to, I would have spent every second of this week with her. I never wanted to leave her side.

So, what do your do when your friend is dying? You be there. You love them. From afar or near. Via text or call that isn’t answered. You try as hard as you can to make them laugh. You love their family. You respect their space. You LOVE your friend. You never stop loving them.

The biggest privilege of my life thus far is getting to take care of my friend, my sister in her last days. I was only able to do small bits, but I was able to serve her. She deserves to be served. 

Near the end of the day, I looked at the clock, over and over and over again, knowing it was nearing the end of me being with Katie. Every glance at the clock made me tear up. I just wanted to snuggle her a bit longer.

I could write a million lines about all in the world who will not be whole without her in it, but for now, I can only think that the day ends. The sun sets. Every colloquialism you can muster. But here we are. In a world I dreaded. A world without Katie. How lucky I am to have you love me.

“I want the world to stop and everybody be quiet. Something terribly important has happened.” - JB